I jumped from man to man.
I jumped from one relationship to the next.
I want you to pause for a second after you have read that and see how it made you feel. What thoughts came into your head? What did you feel in your body?
I know for me, I used to think that it was a ridiculous thing to do. There "should" be space between relationships for them to be “proper” and for you not to look desperate for a man. Yet here I am, on my 4th relationship within the last 7 years (3 since I separated from my husband) and I should feel embarrassed.
It’s one of the things I feel judged on. I know that the only person judging me is probably myself and those I don’t care about. Anyone who knows me well, knows why.
Why did I go from one relationship to the next?
My first relationship after my husband was a very short fling. Jumping into something else straight away made me feel as though someone wanted me when my husband didn’t seem to. I felt attractive for the first time in a very long time and when it ended in a traumatic fashion (he went back to his wife but that’s another long story!), I was able to focus on recovering from that, rather than my marriage; it was the easier option (even though it was horrendous).
Next stepped in a friend to scoop me off the floor from that disaster. I was in therapy and trying to sort through a muddle of feelings and thought processes, I was incredibly vulnerable and along they came to make it better.
I felt calm and safe, and they seemed determined they wanted to be with me. We were good friends and had a nice time together so eventually we became a couple. It wasn’t something I really chose, but I stayed for several years.
Covid arrived and our already shaky relationship couldn’t survive. It was incredibly painful because I felt like I had let myself down by accepting another relationship that wasn’t right. I had ignored all the red flags, my thoughts and feelings. I had expressed my concerns out loud so many times; I still ignored them.
I had a lot to learn about who I was and what I wanted.
Why did I choose to date again?
Yet I ended up in another relationship 4 months later – one that I chose and went into consciously.
Why would I do that after all my other experiences and after saying I needed some alone time?
The truth is, I had done a lot of work already. I had been alone for a very long time, even though I was in relationships. I knew exactly what I wanted. I went out to find someone without expectations or attachment. I knew my person was out there, I just didn’t know when they would arrive. I certainly didn’t know how quickly it would be.
Here’s the work I did to get to that point:
I studied to be a coach.
In this process I had my own coaching for 12 months. It was an incredible journey. I also studied NLP and learned a lot about communication and how we use language.
I grew in confidence and consciousness. I grew more and more content being alone and was quite happy doing what I was doing. I walked a lot, listening to a lot of personal development podcasts and had great support networks with my coaching colleagues.
I designed a new life, just me and the girls, and I liked it.
I went back to therapy.
My therapist was shocked the relationship had lasted as long as it did. She warned me from day 1 that we wanted different things and there would always be an excuse why they couldn't commit. I ignored her because I needed something to work out of all the mess I had created.
I also continued with coaching including EFT and NLP.
I found a relationship course.
One that looked at my old patterns and communication style and encouraged us to build a blueprint for a relationship moving forwards.
Jourdan encouraged me to try actual dating (I hadn't "dated" since I was 18, if ever! This was totally new territory), even though I felt I should have some time off.
The only reason I wanted time off was so that people didn’t say “oh, look at her jumping from one man to the next”.
What a terrible excuse to not find happiness!
Jourdan reminded me that I may have been in relationships, but they weren’t what I wanted. I had been very lonely for a long time.
How much more time did I want to waste?
I’m not saying it’s for everyone, I have clients who have made a choice to stay single and are living their best life, but for me, I had a deep knowing that my person was out there.
How do you find a good relationship?
I said time after time in my last relationship “if you don’t want the sort of relationship I do, then let me go because I know there are people out there who want what you want and there are men out there who want what I want”. I was told I was unrealistic, that men didn’t want the level of commitment I did, but I knew that wasn’t true.
And I was correct.
If I had fallen into another unconscious relationship, I suspect it would have been the same disaster. Wanting something they were not ever willing to give.
But going in consciously, I understood what I wanted, what was non-negotiable, what I was willing to tolerate and the kind of life I wanted to live with someone.
I armed myself with Jourdan’s 30 questions and set off on my quest to discover that what I wanted was indeed out there for me to find.
The Choice is Yours!
If you are worried because you have jumped from one relationship to the other, or if you think you will be on your own forever, I can tell you that the choice is entirely yours.
You can continue making the same mistakes, which can be positive because each time you will inevitably learn and grow (it’s just a painful way of doing it); or you can pause for as long as it takes to discover where you have been and where you want to go.
Who am I?
Knowing who YOU are is going to give you the happiness you are searching for whether you ultimately decide to take time just for yourself, or to consciously find a partner.
Every client I have ever had has said “I just want to be happy”.
What does happiness look like to you?
If you don’t know the answer, investigating that question is a great place to start.
If you feel you need help, book a Free Introductory Call.
If you want to know the questions I asked on our first dates, I have added another 10 to the list, you can check them out.
If you want to find the first steps I used to Design my own life, below is my guide for how to discover Who am I?
Free Support
If you are still terrified of how to move forward, we would love to see you in my Free Facebook Group.
If you you are ready to get started today, book a Free Introductory Call.
How can an Introductory Call benefit me?
Many of my clients are introverts and I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My Emails, YouTube and Social Media posting will give you the daily boost you need to know you are not alone, others are going through similar things and it is possible to change if you choose to.
Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and courses.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together.