I planned the M&S of all Divorces.
We wanted it to be perfect. The perfect separation. The M&S of all divorces. We were fully invested in this notion.
We worked hard at it for 4 years. Lived together for the first year of separation in harmony before he moved out.
We sat the girls down after 6 months of doing alternate weekends (without them consciously knowing) and told them that we were going to separate. There were a few minutes of tears and then we pointed out that life wasn’t going to change that much for them, all would be fine.
We congratulated ourselves on a job well done.
Our divorce was the poster child of divorces.
People thought we were “weird”. It’s not possible to stay friends with your ex. I didn’t buy that. I still don’t.
We spent every Christmas and birthday together and as the time passed we both had new partners, it was all very civilised, but we were living up to such high expectations of ourselves and we knew it was inevitable someone would have to file for divorce.
Because of our friendship, and me thinking I wanted him to be part of our family forever, it took 4 years to get to filing and eventually it was me who did it. I wish I had done that differently; I wish we had sorted things straight away. It’s hard not to gain closure and to know where you are. I dragged my heels at the beginning because I was afraid of what might happen. I didn’t want to admit we weren’t doing this all perfectly.
The problem with perfection is, it’s almost impossible to attain. It causes procrastination, denial, self-doubt and low confidence. The longer I left it, the less in control I felt.
We didn’t deal with the emotional issues our kids probably felt either. We had done it all perfectly, what was there for them to be upset about?
I eventually asked my daughter (when she was 13), what’s the worst thing about our separation. She said, “it was the stories other people told me about how bad it was going to be, but it wasn’t any of those things”. I felt proud in that moment.
But I think the pride was perhaps misplaced. We had done a good job, but was it good enough?
I think one thing none of us did was feel the feelings and go through the grief process.
We didn’t have the massive fall out at the beginning, that came years later.
I went to therapy, but I transferred my feelings about the divorce onto different chaos I created in my life. I had the perfect distraction. I know looking back I had a breakdown, but I was blaming other issues. It couldn’t be possible that it was down to my perfect divorce.
One of the things my therapist told me was to “sit with your feelings”. Urgh! This was not what I wanted to hear! I like to take action. I’m a fixer. Who wants to sit with feelings?!
A lot of my clients come to me with big feelings. Sometimes our sessions are dictated by those feelings. We may have to start with tapping to get in a good energy space. We may have to look at the life events that have created the feelings. We always acknowledge them before we move on.
Coaching is all about action but that doesn’t mean it’s not about feelings. When we have big goals, or even small ones, the success is often dictated by how we feel about them. How we feel about them is often dictated by our beliefs and values.
Challenging feelings, beliefs and values is hard, but it’s the area where most movement happens. No one really wants their feelings challenged. We usually want them validated. We can do that; then we work out how it’s benefitting us and the life we want to lead.
So, when we set out to have the “perfect divorce”, it was with the best of intention. Unfortunately, that meant we all squashed feelings of hurt and anger. I dealt with mine in the best way I knew how, I got help.
The point is, it doesn’t matter how amicable, or difficult your divorce is, there is still a lot to deal with. I often say to myself “what do you have to worry about, others have it far worse?”. It’s just another way to diminish feelings.
Tell me how you felt about your divorce (you are always welcome to send me a private message or email if that feels safer). It’s good to get those feelings written down so you can sit with them for a bit, and then take action.
Action is important because, if you sit with feelings for too long, they take over your whole future. Let’s start designing it instead so we are able to create the future you want, not the present you are tolerating.
If you want to know how you can work with me to find out who you are and what you want from your life and relationships, the best way is to book a Free Introductory Call.
How can an Introductory Call benefit me?
I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My membership will surround you with inspiring and positive people.
My Emails, YouTube and Social Media posting will give you the daily boost you need to know you are not alone, others are going through similar things and it is possible to change if you choose to.
Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together.