Mum Guilt!
I feel so guilty!
I have heard this phrase so many times in the last month. I think it can equally be applied to dads too.
Guilt over not doing enough for the kids. Not giving them the holidays they want. Not being able to fulfil the requests of a million days out and a holiday abroad. Working too much and having to put them in childcare.
I also see the guilt of separated parents. If they were still together things might be easier. There would be more money to do those things. Mums wouldn’t be worn out and exhausted and dads would have more time.
I’ve had my own moments of mum guilt during the holidays. I didn’t take the girls on holiday for several reasons, and we didn’t even have days out. Whenever I suggested we had a day out, they wanted to hang out with their friends. I spent most of the time competing for their time with the things they really wanted to do – hang out, go shopping, even find a job!
I remember those summers when I was a kid. Days stretched out ahead of me, trees to climb, games to play, bikes to ride.
It wasn’t a whole lot different to what my girls did this year.
But the world has changed, and expectations are higher.
Back when I was a child there was no Facebook and Instagram to compare to. We had no idea where anyone went on holiday apart from those in our immediate group. We had no clue as to the day trips, foreign holidays and days spent with family.
We spent most of our holidays in a caravan (my dad travelled the world so usually didn’t want to go away when he was on leave), or we visited family in Canada.
It’s true, what we can’t see we don’t miss. It’s hard when we see pictures everywhere of what we “should” be doing.
Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy” and he is right. When we compare to others, we base our expectations on what others are able to do. Whether that’s financial, “stuff” or time.
We tend to forget the small things in life. The things that kids really remember. Like when you were there when they had a problem to talk through. When you said their friends could sleep over in the garden. When you made them pancakes for breakfast.
Holidays and days out are great, but they are not the foundation of your relationship as a parent.
If you feel you are failing because you are tired, working too hard, don’t have enough money to pay the bills, here are some things that can help you.
Ask yourself:
What do I remember from my own childhood?
What would I like to be the same?
What would I like to be different?
If I could do all the things I want for my children, how would it benefit them?
If I chose just one thing I could do, what would it be?
What can I do that is within my control to create a bond with my child?
How can I respond when they don’t want to spend time with me? What can I do for myself instead?
I often say guilt is a wasted emotion, and it’s true. It doesn’t change our circumstances or theirs, all it does is make us feel bad.
If you use that guilty feeling to drive you forward, it’s a strategy that works for some people. But if it stops you in your tracks, check who it is benefitting.
Next time you want to say the phrase “mum guilt”, imagine all those other parents thinking exactly the same thing. There isn’t a parent in the world (well, perhaps there are a few who don’t) who doesn’t wonder if they are doing the right thing for their kids. Rich, poor or in the middle, everyone wonders where it’s gone wrong, what they could have done differently or even how it’s gone right (many of those parents also don’t take the credit they deserve either).
We do the best we can at the time with the resources we have to hand.
If you want to do better, feel better, respond differently to your kids or any other area of your life, I can help.
I help my clients with communication skills, creating boundaries and building confidence; all of which will help your kids to thrive more than a holiday ever will.
If you feel you need help, book a Free Introductory Call.
If you want to find the first steps I used to Design my own life, below is my guide for how to discover Who am I?
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Many of my clients are introverts and I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
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Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and courses.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together.