My Number 1 Divorce Fear
My biggest fear around divorce was financial. How on earth could we keep the house?! It turns out this is the number 1 worry of people heading into divorce.
We had moved house 5 times in 2 years, and we had finally found our forever home, yet 2 months later we had decided to separate.
It was scary!
I was constantly told horror stories of men not paying, women losing everything, and I hadn’t worked in a high paying job in years. I had been a mum and wife, supporting her husband’s career, my career was nowhere to be seen.
I was told so many times “you will have to sell the house”. I was too scared to find out what the reality would be, so I ignored it. We just didn’t bother getting divorced.
After we had both had been in relationships for several years, we decided it was time to start proceedings.
I went to the solicitor and, given our particular circumstances, he said it was very unlikely I would have to leave the house. If only I had asked before, we could have had everything sorted and I wouldn’t have spent 4 years lying awake at night wondering what the outcome of our decision would be.
Unfortunately, due to many factors, the divorce is still not complete (after 7 years of separation). The number of divorces skyrocketed during lockdown which means there is a lot of processing to do, and not enough people to do it. Sound familiar?
So, what are the other big fears couples have when they divorce?
Losing relationships
Children
Not spending every day and night with children is often unfamiliar. Couples worry about how they will split the time (which also has an impact on how much maintenance is paid). Dads particularly don’t get to see their kids every day and mums who haven’t ever been away from their children, suddenly find themselves with days in the week and free weekends.
That’s when you wake up and think “who the hell am I?” causing massive anxiety for both parents.
Due to my ex living several hours away, and working away for a large chunk of our relationship, I have the kids most of the time. It feels like a whole different level of responsibility when you are doing most of the day-to-day decision making and not having the night time phone calls (when he was away) to go over the day. This can be exacerbated by an acrimonious separation (which ours wasn’t). One thing I never identify as is a single parent even though I am most of the time. I try to co-parent as much as possible, but I still make most of the decisions.
Friends and family
Another aspect that can cause worry in the midst of divorce is losing contact with friends and family, wondering whose side everyone will take. Can you still have a relationship with your in-laws if you have always been close? Will your couple friends drift off? This is another moment where you begin to wonder "who am I and what do I want?"
Your Ex
One thing I never worried about was losing my ex as a friend. Sadly, that was something that did happen. We were constantly hearing how unusual it was for us to remain close and that it wouldn’t last. Some would say it was manifested this way. It does make me sad though. I firmly believe you can stay friends, especially when the decision is mutual. Even when it’s not, with a bit of time and good communication, you can build something new.
What to do for your long term career and finances.
A big concern for me was how I was going to survive financially long term. And that was a genuine thing to worry about. When the kids turn 18, I’m on my own. No matter how much support I gave in our relationship, how many years I have devoted to the kids, the law does not support the notion of “spousal maintenance” anymore.
That can be very intimidating! Life will change, whether I like it or not. So, I decided to make the changes for myself, work towards taking control of my financial future.
I know it’s not always the case and occasionally it is the other way around, but it’s often the women who has given up chasing their own careers in order to be around to support everyone. My husband went to work, and I sorted out all other aspects of our life.
I was starting from ground zero.
I know what money I have to make to live the life I have, it’s something for me to focus on. My solicitor said so many people sit back not creating a future for themselves expecting the ex to pay forever. Then the day comes when they don’t and they are stuck with no income, no pensions, nothing set up.
How do you resonate with these worries? Do you read them and think “yes, that’s me”, or do you think “no, I am totally fine and set for my future”.
If it’s the first, here are some things to work on.
Gain Confidence and Self-esteem.
It can be very difficult to see a way forward when your confidence and self-esteem has taken a battering. Perhaps you have never felt truly confident, knowing who you are. I know I didn’t. In fact, I spent decades with anxiety and one of the reasons I didn’t follow a career path was I had no idea what I really wanted to do. Even my 12 years in corporate didn’t feel like my path, it was the easiest one to take at the time, but not my own.
Finding who you are is the first step to designing your life and the most common thing clients come to me for.
Some tools that can help with confidence are:
Give yourself a high five in the mirror when you first get out of bed (like Mel Robbins).
Stand in a power pose for 2 minutes (legs apart, hands on hips like wonder woman or superman).
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a good friend.
Learn Better Communication
This is a big one when it comes to divorce. What do you do when communication between you and your partner is poor (or non-existent)? When you think you communicate well but you cannot get through to your ex. They just will not listen. They are stubborn and unmoving.
This is the time to take a step back.
Ask yourself:
Am I being realistic with what I’m expecting?
Have I actually communicated clearly or am I expecting them to fill in the gaps?
Am I using an unhelpful tone of voice when I speak to them?
It’s time to be really honest with yourself.
I know there have been times when my communication has been not as good as it could be. For example, my ex did some (minor) changes in the mortgage that I found out through the post. I was annoyed to say the least. There had been no discussion for him to make the changes. Months later, I discovered he thought I had changed the mortgage provider without him (of course this is actually impossible). The reality was our mortgage had been moved by the provider as they stopped providing mortgages and had sold it to someone else. All that feeling could have been prevented by us just asking some questions of each other in a non-antagonistic way. We still haven’t really had a conversation about it but we both know what happened with the other.
Build Boundaries
I am not talking about building brick walls here. It can be so easy to create rigid boundaries during divorce proceedings. It can also be the other way where the boundaries are too flaky. Either being too flexible or too unmoving will not help you move forward.
I have always been very flexible. When we got into some discussions I said, “my door is always open for you”. It has been my mantra for years. It took someone this year to point out that, by holding the door open, it was allowing energy in that no longer belonged to me.
Being healthy with my boundaries doesn’t mean holding the door open, or bolting it shut, it means closing it, allowing them to knock, looking through the peephole or talking on the intercom and then deciding if I want to open the door or not.
Designing your Life
Finding a new life after divorce can be intimidating. So many fears to overcome. One thing I have learned is putting your head in the sand does not make it go away, nothing changes once you know, apart from now you have knowledge on what you are actually facing and can take the action required.
If you find this all a bit too much to take onboard today, download my free guide to do in your own time with the tools I used to start designing my own life after divorce.
Below is my guide for how to discover Who am I?
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Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club.
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