Should I stay or should I go?
How many nights have you laid awake asking yourself this question?
You are not happy, but you perhaps aren’t miserable either.
Or you are very miserable but the thought of being on your own is too frightening to actually take action.
Weirdly, I didn’t think any of these things when my marriage ended. It just did, as if a switch had gone and we both sat down, had a chat and agreed.
It was not like that the next time though. It was years of lying awake asking the question, should I stay or go?
I should have left a long time before, in fact, it should never have started in the first place.
But once I was in it, leaving was on my mind most of the time (which btw, is not a healthy way to be in a relationship and not fair on either person).
I would weigh up the pros and cons.
We had a lovely time together – but I didn’t feel secure.
I found our conversations interesting – but I felt he treated me like I was stupid.
I felt he listened to me – but often he would check up on anything I had to say (via Google!).
I didn’t feel anxious – but I didn’t feel stable either.
I felt comfortable in his company – but he didn’t want me in his company a lot of the time.
We had amazing holidays – but I spent so much day to day on my own.
We had similar hobbies – but that came with it's own challenges.
There was a balance in the good and the bad, which is why I stayed where I was.
There was a level of certainty in the relationship and then a whole world of uncertainty.
I felt more like myself than I had in a long time but there were also things that I did not like at all about who I was becoming.
I would question my every move, thought and action.
Maybe I was being totally unreasonable.
How did I eventually decide to leave?
Covid hit and gave us both the space we needed to know we could be apart and happy.
When we went into lockdown and isolated separately, I don’t think either of us were that bothered after a while.
He seemed to prefer his time at home, and I was happy on zoom with my new coaching colleagues, going for walks and developing my NLP skills. For me it was a time of massive growth.
He said he didn’t want to live with children, I have 2.
When I asked why he loved me, he told me to stop asking difficult questions.
That was the final nail.
Wasting my time.
That didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult when we finally made the decision, one last time.
It was very, very hard. I questioned myself constantly. I felt like I was never enough for anyone (or too much sometimes). I felt like I was making the same mistakes again. I was choosing people who didn't really want all of me, only certain bits as and when it suited them.
Mostly I was frustrated that I had “wasted” even more years with someone who wasn’t ever going to be right for me.
But they weren’t wasted.
I learned so much more about what I wanted, what I was willing to tolerate, who I was and who I wasn’t, I had some great experiences that opened my mind up to new possibilities.
That’s not wasted time.
If you are lying awake wondering “should I stay or should I leave?” ask:
What am I most afraid of?
What do I like about my relationship?
What do I dislike about my relationship?
Am I looking for something that doesn’t exist?
Am I thinking the grass will be greener?
Am I OK with being on my own?
If I’m not OK on my own, how do I become OK with it?
Am I staying in the relationship in case no one else wants me?
Where do I see this relationship in 5 or 10 years time?
Do I see myself being happy?
Am I waiting for the other person to change into the person I want them to be?
If you are questioning your whole relationship with someone else, or even yourself, I can help.
I help my clients with communication skills, creating boundaries and building confidence; all of which will help you make the right decision for you.
If you feel you need help, book a Free Introductory Call.
If you want to find the first steps I used to Design my own life, below is my guide to discover "Who am I?"
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Many of my clients are introverts and I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
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Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and courses.
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