They found someone else and it hurts
It’s so painful to see them with someone else, how can I move forward?
I hear this a lot from my clients. Their partner has moved on to another relationship and it’s painful. Even if you didn’t want to be with them, it still hurts.
I see lots of people hold on to that pain, sometimes for years. They blame the other person, often the “other woman” (or man). They point all their energy into bitterness and “why wasn’t I enough?”.
One of the reasons I don’t hold a grudge against the other person is that it doesn’t do any good. It may give short term relief, but it doesn’t give you growth or inner peace.
Even if it was a relationship that was born before the separation (the result of an affair), the only thing I believe we can do is work on ourselves.
Blaming other people, questioning their beliefs and values, being angry, it’s totally normal. But in the long term it’s not helpful. I was shocked when I realised I felt this way, I think it’s unusual. I was brought up to think cheating is wrong and the person who has “stolen” the person away is evil. My girls feel the same as this is shown in every teenage movie, sitcom, in the news and on Love Island.
But as I’ve grown up and noticed what’s going on around me, I’ve started to question how helpful this viewpoint is.
One of the other things I recognised over the years is that I have known and do know a lot of “other women”. They are not people who go around hunting for other women’s husbands to steal away. Usually they are confused, lost, feeling very anxious, unhappy and have a belief that they can rescue the man from some awful situation they believe they are in (or that the man can rescue them). Usually, they feel very insecure in an unsatisfactory relationship with your ex. Because the ex hasn’t actually changed.
Does this make any of it right? No. But does it make the situation human? Absolutely.
What do we do when this happens to us?
For me it’s about how I can help myself most. How I can remind myself of my own worth and how I can build that up if the level is low.
We can spend years asking questions that will never be answered. The questions that are worth asking are:
“What am I going to do now?”
“What do I want for myself in life?”,
“How can I grow from this?”,
“Who can help me?”.
When I discovered my last partner found a new relationship straight away, I felt like my emotions were trapped under my skin like an army of ants crawling just below the surface. It was the worst feeling I have ever experienced. Not because I wanted the relationship, but because of all the questions it threw up about myself. Wondering why I had tolerated so much, why I hadn’t stood up and said “No”. Why was someone else worth more than me?
It took time to process but the first thing I did was call my coach. We did some EFT (tapping) which immediately released the feeling of my skin that felt out of my control.
We did some NLP and reframed everything.
So, I get it, it’s hard when you see the person you have loved move on, seemingly without a care in the world.
Now you get to choose whether you stay stuck in anger and bitterness or whether you use it to grow. If you are still feeling the way you are today in 5 years, how will that be?
You may think it will fade over time, and it probably will, but without having a plan for how to move forward it can take a lot longer and waste a huge amount of energy, still holding on to the underlying questions of “why them, why not me?”.
My top tools for dealing with big emotions:
Goal setting to design your future.
If this feels too big, let’s have a chat.
If you want to know how you can work with me to find out who you are and what you want from your life and relationships, the best way is to book a Free Introductory Call.
How can an Introductory Call benefit me?
I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My membership will surround you with inspiring and positive people.
Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together.