We Have to Talk
“We have to talk”
Those fateful words everyone dreads. But they were coming out of my own mouth. What on earth was I thinking?
A few weeks prior to this, if you had said my relationship was ending, I wouldn’t have believed you.
But here we were. It was as though a light had been switched on.
“I don’t want to talk on a Saturday morning” was the response.
“We need to talk about the fact we have no relationship”
“Ah, THAT!”
And we talked. And just like that, 16 years together and 11 years of marriage was over.
Except of course it wasn’t. We still had children to bring up and we were still close friends, what we had was a sibling relationship that was getting more destructive by the day, and we wanted to stop that in its tracks. We didn’t want to be the arguing couple who ended up hating each other. So, we made an agreement.
There was nothing special about that day. The kids were at my parents, we woke up, I went for a shower while he took a work call and then I heard him smashing pots and pans around downstairs (doing the dishes very noisily) and I thought, at the very least we should be having a cup of tea in bed.
We had grown apart.
I had found a hobby I loved and was gaining attention (that I wish I had ignored). It highlighted how lonely I felt. How far apart we were. There was no turning back from this point.
We didn’t even try therapy (I went on my own). For some reason, we both just knew it was over.
I spent several years, even in a new relationship, where the shock of my new reality would hit me in waves. The shock that I was no longer his wife (strictly not true as we are still going through divorce). Even though I had made the initial step towards our decision, I still felt I was living in an unreal universe.
I met my husband at 19 and we married just before I turned 25. Exactly 5 years to the day that we met. I never in my wildest dreams thought we wouldn’t grow old together. I knew not everything was perfect, but we were a team. We functioned as a team. I supported him to get where he wanted in his career, I looked after the kids the house, the life organising, he went to work. That was the deal.
All of a sudden, the deal was still in place, but we were no longer a team.
Who the hell was I?
I had no idea.
I loved being a wife. I identified strongly with the role. Apart from that, I was earning minimum wage as a secretary in the cinema and running myself ragged volunteering for everything I couldn’t say no to.
I realised I had been distracting myself for years.
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As a couple, we had been like the proverbial swan. Serene on the outside. Anyone looking in would be shocked it wasn’t perfect (in fact, people were), but we were paddling like crazy under the water.
As soon as we hit our life goals, we stopped and looked around and realised we were in the middle of the ocean with no anchor, just floating along with no common ground anymore.
How did we get to this point?
I look back now and can see how we got to that day almost 7 years ago, it might be different if I knew then what I know now. But hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I wouldn’t change anything about the life I am living and working towards.
I know so much more about myself now.
I know who I want to be, even if I’m not fully there yet (I think that’s because as we grow, we want to continue growing).
I know how to communicate better.
I know how to manage my reactions.
I know how to create and maintain boundaries that work for me.
I acknowledge the role I took in our marriage not working.
I have more confidence that I can do it, whether I am on my own or with someone.
This is where I love to help my clients. I love to build their confidence to the point they know they can do it, whatever it is.
I love to support them in creating the steps they choose to take, to have the life they want, and to know themselves deeply.
Knowing yourself deeply involves the good and the bad, there is nothing more powerful than knowing the whole.
How well do you know yourself?
What parts of you are you hiding from?
Who would you love to be if you could?
If you are totally lost in who you are, join my free facebook group Design Your Life After Divorce.
If you want to know how you can work with me to find out who you are and what you want from your life and relationships, the best way is to book a Free Introductory Call.
How can an Introductory Call benefit me?
I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My membership will surround you with inspiring and positive people.
My Emails, YouTube and Social Media posting will give you the daily boost you need to know you are not alone, others are going through similar things and it is possible to change if you choose to.
Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together.