But I Love Them...
They treat me badly, but I love them….
I notice it on facebook groups, with clients and friends.
They cheated
They make me feel bad
They hurt my feelings
They don’t respect me
We have nothing to say to each other
We have nothing in common
We argue all the time
We never have sex
We hardly ever go out together
They drag me down
I feel depressed
I feel exhausted
I feel anxious
I don’t know how long I can cope
But I love them…..
Love is an abstract word.
In NLP we call it a nominalisation. A nominalisation is a word we attach to something that cannot be directly seen, heard, touched, smelled or tasted.
So, when people say all the things I have mentioned and then follow it with “but I love them”, I would ask,
What are you doing when you are loving them?
How are they loving you?
What does love mean to you?
How do you show love?
How do they show love?
What about that action means they love you?
I find it fascinating how we drag our partners down, complain to anyone who will listen about how awful they are and then say “but I love them”.
I used to be a bit like this. I would moan to anyone who would listen about the things that were not being done, the way I was not feeling, the things they would not change for our relationship.
But that was all on me.
Every bit of it.
I knew none of that equalled the love I wanted.
I knew that I didn’t feel loved.
But we get into the habit of saying “but we love each other”.
And then we continue to feel rubbish about the relationship.
Prefer to watch a video (or read on)...
Love List
I would love you to write a list of things that show you are loved by another person (see how much love is going on in that sentence!).
Would I really love you to?
Well, it would be great if you did. I probably won’t hear about it, some of you write and tell me and I feel very pleased, but is that actual love?
See how much we overuse the word?
I love lasagne (why – it tastes delicious, it gives me a warm feeling inside, it reminds me of special moments in my life).
I love watching This is Us (why – it has a great story line, I’m interested in family dynamics, it’s cleverly written and reflects the current issues in the world, Justin Hartley and Sterling Brown are not too awful to look at)
I love my boyfriend (why…….)
Often this last one can be very difficult to answer. Especially when you feel disconnected and unhappy.
Write a detailed list of 50 ways you love them including how you show it, how they show it.
Write another list of the things you would like to be different. Are they fundamental values or just superficial things that don’t really matter (They need so much space away from you – that’s a value. Not putting the bins out – that’s an annoyance but is it worth ending a relationship over?).
Split your list into values and superficial.
What does the list look like then?
Now you know what love looks like for you, what the relationship is providing, and whether it is actually satisfying you.
Ask yourself Do I really love them?
If so, how are we going to work together to make the necessary changes?
What are they willing to put into the relationship, or is this just one sided?
Are you just afraid of being alone?
Are you trying to rescue the person, hoping that by "loving" them they will change and their life will be so much better?
Next time you are complaining about your partner, check in whether you would be happy if they did the same to you. If not, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate. Check in whether you are moaning about fundamental values that you will struggle to live with.
Ask yourself how long you are willing to tolerate the current status quo.
The best way to highlight any issues in a relationship and whether they are able to be solved is to work on yourself. The more YOU grow, the clearer you will be.
If you want to know how you can work with me to find out who you are and what you want from your life and relationships, the best way is to book a Free Introductory Call.
How can an Introductory Call benefit me?
I know (as someone with introvert tendencies), having a call may feel like the last thing in the world you would want to do. I know that feeling of staring at the phone thinking, I really want to do something but this feels very scary. In all honesty, I still feel the same for a second when the phone starts to ring!
The reason it is important is that we need to know if we want to work with each other. This works 2 ways.
Building a relationship where you feel confident enough to tackle some deep issues with me starts here. Before you part with any money, before you commit to 3, 6 or 12 months deep work, we both need to know it's the right thing for you.
Because I understand how hard it is, booking the introductory call via the website creates the whole initial link. You get the meeting time you want, you receive the zoom link and reminders and then, when the time comes, we have an informal chat about what you want out of all of this. I will guide you the whole way and during this first call, we will already begin to design the life you want.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My membership will surround you with inspiring and positive people.
My Emails, YouTube and Social Media posting will give you the daily boost you need to know you are not alone, others are going through similar things and it is possible to change if you choose to.
Take the first steps towards your own Powerful Life.
Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Life Change Coach and NLP Practitioner who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together.