Do you hold back from speaking to your partner for fear of their reaction?
“Have you asked them?”
“Erm….no, what if I’m right and they are annoyed with me?”
This is a common scenario with my clients. They are spending a lot of time worrying about what they think their partner is thinking.
But it's all guessing. And I know we are terrible at mind-reading (unless you are Derren Brown).
You don’t say what you are thinking, so you don’t stop….(thinking).
Your mind whirls, your stomach churns and there is a jumble of words lodged in your throat.
These habits are initially formed to create an “easier life”, but the more it happens, the harder it is to change.
Where does the desire to keep quiet come from?
Often it starts in childhood (children should be seen and not heard).
Or as a coping strategy during early relationships (what if they leave because they don’t like who I am).
You may find that the same happens at work. You don’t speak up so everyone expects you to stay quiet.
What can you do about a habit that has formed to create an easy life, but is simply not working for you anymore because you lost yourself in the process?
Step 1- Boundaries.
“You get what you tolerate. We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them. This is one of the marks of a truly safe person: they are confrontable” - Henry Cloud.
Boundaries are there to keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in to put you in total control.
Many people believe they have great boundaries; they say no to everything and keep everyone out.
This is not a healthy boundary, this is a brick wall making relationships difficult, if not impossible.
Knowing who to let in and who to keep out is a skill. Ask yourself:
· What am I currently tolerating?
· How would I like my relationship to be?
· What sort of communication would I like to have?
· Do I need to say “yes” more often, or “no”?
Step 2 - Communication.
“Lack of communication ruins everything - because instead of knowing how the other person is feeling, we just assume”.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place” - George Bernard Shaw
Now we know what we want, how do we communicate this effectively? Ask yourself:
How would I like someone to approach this with me?
What do I really want to say? Is it to the point? Is it kind but firm?
Breathe deeply before you respond. Keeping a level, non-judgmental tone is essential. Reflect back exactly what they have said to you and see what they say.
How much time could I save by speaking up? Make a note of every time you think about a scenario that is bothering you, which could be addressed by a simple conversation.
Step 3 - Confidence.
“Confidence is the result, not the pre-requisite”
How can you speak up without stammering, feeling anxious and backing out or down?
What is the worst that could happen by saying what you want?
Think of a person you see as confident. What do they do? How do they stand and speak? When you go into the conversation, channel that person. Make sure it is someone who is confident, not confrontational. The two can get very confused. Who speaks in a calm manner that others listen to?
Remember to keep in mind how you would like to be spoken to. We receive what we give out.
Think of a conversation you are avoiding. What impact could it have (positive or negative, you choose)? How likely is the outcome you are imagining? I have a great tool for illustrating this which you can find on my website.
When I went through this exact structure with one of my clients, the conversations they had with their partner were positive and they began to realise the response was never what they anticipated.
Their partner responded in a secure and supportive way.
Although this client did not initially come to me for a relationship goal, they loved the fact they could now speak openly to their partner after many years together.
Imagine if you could turn the conversations in your head into positive and productive conversations in real life.
Saying what you want without apprehension enables you to take control of your life, your boundaries, and ultimately, your happiness.
If you too would like to take control of your life, your boundaries, and ultimately, your happiness, my 3-month 1-1 coaching program (BigLife), tailored to you and your needs; moving you from uncertainty, low self-esteem, and people-pleasing to having healthy boundaries, positive conversations and the confidence to know you can have what you want in life.
If you want to find out how you can work with me, book a FREE 1 Hour Introductory Zoom Session with me HERE I don’t work with everyone who contacts me and I only take on three 1-1 clients per month, but I have a range of other programs, workshops and of course my membership club so let's get started.
Have a Powerful Day!
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Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Holistic Life Change Coach and NLP Specialist who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club. Book a free introductory session with Jenny HERE and discovery how you might work together. Or why not get started with her FREE 'Life Change Kickstart' Mini course HERE