Uncover your attachment style in love. Why does it feel unsafe to love? How to break the cycle.
I didn’t feel safe to love fully.
I decided it was time to do some real research on relationships.
I read about attachment theories, had coaching with relationship experts and listened to Ted Talks.
I wonder, what I could have done differently.
I look at the traits of a person who has unhealthy relationships, and I think “well, some of that was me!”. I find that upsetting as I know it’s not who I am.
I know I had expectations, I know I put pressure on, I know I sabotaged.
And then I think to myself, what has changed? Why do I not do those things now?
It’s because I feel safe to love openly and fully.
I feel safe to love myself (still a process and I have off moments where I beat myself up, but it’s so much less than it was).
I realise that I was responding to my environment.
I wanted to be relaxed.
I wanted to be “OK” with the way our relationship was.
But I wasn’t.
And so, I pushed.
I pushed and pushed.
The relationship collapsed under the strain of me wanting to give myself without holding back, but knowing I had to hold back.
Every time I relaxed and gave a bit more of me into the relationship, the response would be for the other person to pull away. I was then left feeling on edge, unsafe.
Every time I asked for what I wanted, I was turned away and told I was unreasonable.
I wondered if I was unreasonable.
But that doesn’t happen anymore.
I’ve not been “unreasonable” once in the last year.
I began to realise that it wasn’t me, but I definitely could have reacted differently.
When I was investigating how I have been in relationships, I came across the book Attached.
It explains the different attachment styles and as soon as I read it, the penny dropped.
There are 3 attachment styles: Anxious, Avoidant and Secure.
50% of the population are secure. This means 50% are not! And the 50% that are not, attract each other like moths to the flame on a dark night.
And like the moth, we go back for more over and over again. Bzzzzzz Ouch! Bzzzzz Ouch! Bzzzzzz Ouch!
And on it goes until we either find someone secure by chance who is willing to show us the way, or we choose to do the work.
I chose to leave my relationship and do the work.
Here are the different styles, see which ones you recognise:
Anxious style
Falls in love quickly and deeply
Wants to call every second of the day
Gets stressed when the other person does not respond to messages.
Wants the relationship to move at speed.
Second guesses every little nuance of phrase and emotion from their partner.
Needs constant reassurance that everything is OK
Avoidant Style
Pulls back when any emotion gets involved
Avoids eye contact and physical touch
Accuses their partner of being too clingy
Personal independence and freedom is more important than the relationship
Appears calm and detached in heightened situations.
Appears confident and sure of their actions (this may not be the case underneath)
Secure Style
Able to reflect on the way they show up in a relationship
Able to trust others
Communicates needs effectively
Able to be intimate and have closeness with a partner.
Gives and receives emotional support in a relationship
Comfortable being alone and knowing the other person will be around
The thing with the different styles is we can change from one to another. I have been anxious in a relationship but after a time of being with someone who is avoidant, I also became avoidant. Two people who are avoidant find it very hard to be together.
Avoidants who lose people over and over, potentially can move to the anxious side.
Being secure is a skill to be learned. But we can all learn it.
I have tools to help you become secure in yourself. When you love yourself first, you become more open to being loved by others in the way you deserve.
If you want to have healthy and lasting relationships, it’s important to understand your attachment style. Only then can you begin to address the underlying issues that may be keeping you from forming secure attachments. If you would like help uncovering your attachment style, learning to love yourself with confidence and working through any associated challenges, please book a free call with me. I would love to support you on your journey towards healthier relationships.
How I can help
My 1-1 programs will give you the focus, challenge and direction to find what you are looking for.
My membership will surround you with inspiring and positive people.
My Emails, YouTube and Social Media posting will give you the daily boost you need to know you are not alone, others are going through similar things and it is possible to change if you choose to.
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Jenny Jarvis is a practicing, certified, UK Holistic Life Change Coach and NLP Specialist who has empowered numerous people to live a life of their dreams, unleash their relationship with money and start and grow brands and businesses to great success. A truly inspirational individual, Jenny is also the mum to two amazing teens, a Reiki Master and motivational speaker. She inspires all to harness their greatness through energised coaching sessions, workshops and her membership club.
Book a free introductory session with Jenny and discovery how you might work together. Or why not get started with her FREE 'Life Change Kickstart' Mini course